러프 콜리 이동 서비스견 Vakaa

대부분의 사람들은 한 가정에 개 4마리(대형 개 4마리)가 너무 많다고 말할 것입니다. 개 한 마리? 정상입니다. 개 두마리? 여전히 사회적으로 용인되는 영역 안에 있습니다. 개 3마리? 당신은 그것을 추진하고 있습니다. 4마리 이상? 눈썹을 치켜올리고 고개를 떨구고 자신에게 왜 그러세요?라는 일반적인 분위기를 경험할 것으로 예상됩니다.

공정하게 말하자면, 나는 그것이 완전히 합리적인 대응이라고 생각합니다. 가끔 저는 작은 집에서 Fabulous Four가 미친 듯이 뛰는 것을 보면서 우리가 한 짓이 무엇입니까? 생각합니다.

우리 강아지 4번 Vakaa는 계획에 없던 강아지가 된 또 다른 사례입니다. 음, 일종의.

우리는 그를 원하는가?

3월의 어느 날 아침, 나는 깜짝 문자 메시지에 눈을 떴다. Collie 강아지를 샀던 젊은 부부는 더 이상 그를 키울 수 없었고 구매자의 동의에 따라 그를 사육자에게 돌려주고 싶었습니다. Nancy는 자신의 강아지를 충분히 키웠고 강아지를 다시 집으로 데려가는 것을 선호했습니다. 그녀는 내가 윈스턴을 데려갈 수 있는 사람을 알고 있는지 궁금해했습니다...

저는 Cheyanne에게 "그를 원하십니까?"라고 물었습니다.

솔직히 대답은 아니오라고 예상했습니다. 우리가 Gustav 경이 강아지 몇 마리를 키우는 데 동의했을 때 나는 강아지를 선택하거나 스터드 요금을 받을 수 있는 선택권이 있었습니다. Cheyanne와 나는 그것에 관해 토론했다 – 강아지 또는 돈? 우리는 거스의 강아지를 원한 만큼 돈이 더 필요했습니다. 거스의 아들을 (다시) 무료로 얻을 수 있는 기회는 장기적으로 추가 비용을 의미했습니다.

따라서 Cheyanne이 “우리는 그를 시험적으로 데려갈 것입니다. 그러나 그가 당신을 위해 도우미견으로 일하는 경우에만 그를 유지합니다.” 우리가 월간 Collie 플레이 날짜 중 하나에서 Winston을 만나지 않았고 그의 기질을 경험하지 않았다면 대답은 더 쉬운 "아니오"였을 것입니다. 그러나 우리는 즉시 그를 사랑했습니다. Winston은 자신의 사랑스러움에 완전히 자신감을 갖고 그 장소를 소유한 것처럼 걸어 들어갔습니다. 그는 그날 애견 공원에 있는 모든 성인 콜리와 인간을 매료시켰습니다.

그래서 우리는 생후 3개월에 우리가 그를 마지막으로 보았을 때보다 이미 상당히 성장한 Winston을 데리러 갔습니다! 그의 이름은 "꾸준함"을 의미하는 핀란드어 Vakaa가 되었습니다. 내 알려진 조상은 핀란드가 아닌 폴란드 출신이지만, 우리는 그가 내 이동 보조견이라는 그의 목적을 반영하는 특이한 이름을 갖기를 원했습니다. (하지만 우리 친구 중 한 명은 여전히 ​​그를 "보드카"라고 부르기를 거부합니다.)

또 다른 친구는 "vaca"가 스페인어로 "소"를 의미한다고 지적했습니다. Vakaa는 몸집이 크고 야옹 소리를 많이 하는 경향이 있기 때문에 이것은 그에게 적합합니다. 따라서 종합하면 안정적인 소를 가지고 있다고 말할 수 있습니다. Vakaa가 저를 위해 보조기/이동 지원 작업을 수행하는 방법을 배우고 있기 때문에 매우 적절합니다.

그의 첫 번째 소유자가 왜 그를 제거했는지 궁금해 할 수 있습니다. 분명히 Vakaa는 폭발적인 설사를 하고 있었습니다. 아파트 단지 3층에 사는 것은 강아지의 똥이 액체 상태가 아니더라도 배변 훈련 목적으로 이상적이지 않습니다. 설상가상으로, 초기 Covid 공황 동안 원격으로 일한 후 그의 주인은 영구적으로 사무실 위치로 다시 전화를 받았고 더 이상 집에서 그를 돌볼 수 없었습니다. 어떤 면에서 Vakaa는 많은 "팬데믹 강아지" 중 하나였습니다.

우리는 말 그대로 똥 쇼를 기대했습니다. 그러나 우리는 Vakaa가 먹고 있는 음식을 한 번 살펴보고, 그것을 바꾸고, 약간의 프로바이오틱스를 추가했고, 아무런 문제가 없었습니다. 나는 Vakaa가 우리가 그를 집에 데려온 이후로 우리 집에 총 4번만 오줌을 쌌고 한 번도 실내에 똥을 싼 적이 없다는 것이 믿기지 않습니다. 생후 6개월이 되었을 때 그는 밤새 상자에서 벗어나 있었습니다. (Yoshi는 다른 쪽 발로 7개월이 될 때까지 가차 없이 실내에서 오줌을 쌌습니다.) 물론 두 명의 재택 근무자가 있는 것은 큰 도움이 되었습니다.

본능 대 훈련

안내견 훈련에 관해서는… 처음에는 Vakaa 공개 액세스를 자체적으로 준비할 수 있을 거라 확신했습니다. 몇 년 전에 저는 그의 아버지인 Sir Gustav를 직접 훈련시켰고 우리는 함께 CGC(Canine Good Citizen) 테스트와 유사하지만 다소 까다로운 TDI(Therapy Dogs International) 인증 평가를 통과했습니다.

내가 직장을 잃었을 때 – 당신이 교사일 때 바닥에 쓰러지는 것은 일반적으로 눈살을 찌푸리게 합니다 – 나는 신체적으로 더 나빠지는 것이 아니라 더 나빠지고 있다는 것이 명백해졌습니다. 거스는 집에서 나를 도와주는 천부적인 재능이 있어서 그와 함께 공공접근 훈련을 시작했다. 우리는 멀리 가지 않았습니다.

첫째, 사람들과 친하게 지내도록 격려받은 외향적인 개를 다시 훈련시키십시오. 이제는 그들이 잠재적인 친구를 무시하고 당신에게만 집중하기를 원하지만 잘 작동하지 않습니다. 나는 그것이 분명해야한다는 것을 압니다. 하지만 희망과 절망이 있었습니다.

둘째, 과제 훈련 방법을 몰랐다. 넘어진 후 다시 일어서는 데 도움이 되나요? 구스타프는 스스로 해냈습니다. 서 있을 수 없어 기어가게 된다면, 내 옆에서 천천히 걸으며 그의 큰 몸으로 나를 받쳐줄까? 거스의 자연스러운 반응. 집에서 계속 도와주셨지만, 본능적으로 하신 일을 토대로 어떻게 해야 할지 몰랐습니다.

그래서 Vakaa를 위해 나는 강아지 때부터 도우미견을 형성하고 목표 행동을 훈련시키는 방법을 배우기 위해 The Ultimate Service Dog Training Manual이라는 책을 구입했습니다. 읽고, 강조하고, 다시 읽었습니다. 어떻게든 컨설팅을 통해 전문 조련사, Vakaa를 안내할 사람, 그리고 저를 유능한 조련사/안내견 팀으로 만들 수 있기를 바랐고 기도했습니다.

나는 건강이 악화되어 Vakaa가 필요로 하는 만큼 훈련하는 능력을 심각하게 방해하는 것을 걱정했습니다. 나는 거의 집에 갈 뻔했다. 젊고 활력이 넘치는 강아지와 단둘이 있는 동안에도 길을 가다가 넘어질 가능성이 있었기 때문에 블록 주위를 걷는 것이 문제가 되었습니다.

33살이라는 어린 나이에 나는 완벽하게 괜찮아 보였으나 나이가 들기도 전에 늙어 보였다. 점점 커져가는 한계가 나를 황폐화시켰습니다. 나는 활동적인 삶의 방식을 상실한 것을 슬퍼했고, 내 존재의 가치에 대해 의문을 제기했고, 사랑하는 사람들에게 재정적으로나 다른 방식으로 부담이 되는 것보다 조용히 삶을 마감하는 것이 더 고귀한 것인지 궁금했습니다. (그들은 그런 말을 한 적이 없지만 내 인식은 그랬다.) 기본적으로 나는 만성 질환의 여행 동반자인 절망과 우울증을 끔찍하게 알게 되었다. 끊임없는 고통은 소모전입니다.

토크는 단순히 저렴하지 않습니다

약간의 뒷이야기는 유익해야 합니다. 제가 말하고 싶은 것은 혐오스럽습니다... 기본적으로 나는 직장(2016년 크리스마스 직전), 내 차(2017년), 내 자존심(어디선가)을 잃을 때까지 천천히 건강을 잃었습니다. . 차는 압류가 아닌 자발적인 양도였지만 내가 빚진 금액과 신용에 미치는 영향에 대해서는 아무런 차이가 없었습니다. 나는 또한 의료비를 많이 받았고 필사적으로 거의 손도 대지 않은 신용 카드를 사용하기 시작했습니다. 그래서 결국 파산 신청을 했습니다(2017년 크리스마스 무렵).

나는 글쓰기가 나의 유일한 시장성 있는 기술이라고 생각했고 프리랜서 작가로서 그것을 만들기 위해 노력해 왔습니다. 아무도 내 말을 사고 싶어하지 않았습니다. Talk는 저렴할 뿐만 아니라 일반적으로 무료입니다. 그러나 나는 단순히 노출을 위해 인터넷 마케팅 전문가를 위해 조금 썼습니다. 그는 내가 한 일을 좋아했고 내가 콘텐츠를 제공하고 수익을 그와 50/50으로 나누면 나를 위해 웹사이트를 구축하고 유지하겠다고 제안했습니다. Collie Chatter를 입력하세요!

Gerry는 훌륭한 일을 하고 있으며 블로그가 수입을 창출하기에 충분한 돈을 벌고 있는 것처럼 보입니다. 사람들이 우리가 그것을 죽이고 있다고 생각하게 하는 것은 오해의 소지가 있고 정직하지 않은 것처럼 보이지만, 성공하는 가장 좋은 방법은 성공적인 행동을 하는 것이라는 말을 자주 들어왔습니다. 그리고 마케팅 관점에서 볼 때 이는 의심할 여지 없이 훌륭한 비즈니스 조언입니다.

하지만 여러분, 저는 당신이 성공할 때까지 그것을 속이는 것이 너무 지겹습니다! 사고방식은 내 두뇌에 내재되어 있습니다. 맨날 괜찮은 척 하는 것도 지겹고 더 이상 하고 싶지 않다. 오, 오해하지 마세요. 평범한 사람이 나에게 어떻게 지내고 있냐고 묻는다면 나는 여전히 "난 괜찮아!"라는 문화적 거짓말을 할 것입니다. "잘 지내?" 질문은 형식적이며 대부분의 사람들은 당신이 정말 어떻게 지내는지 이야기하기 시작하면 겁을 먹습니다. 하는 중...

지금 당장은 정직하기로 결정했습니다. 나는 취약성을 무시하고 이 게시물에서 "게시"를 누르지 않을 수 있습니다. 하지만 아마 제가 스스로 해결해 나갈 것입니다.

어쨌든, 나는 지난 몇 년 동안 그것을 속여왔고 아직도 그것을 만들지 못했습니다. 대부분의 달에 Collie Chatter는 손익분기점에 도달할 만큼의 돈을 벌지 못합니다. 웹 호스팅과 비즈니스 이메일의 월간 비용을 저희가 충당한다면 저는 운이 좋은데, 이에 대해 여러분 모두에게 감사드립니다. Collie Chatter에서 직접 Amazon을 방문하여 무엇이든 구매한 적이 있다면 그것은 우리에게 작은 수수료입니다(현재 일반적으로 1%-3%). 기억에 남는 한 달에 50달러의 수익을 올렸습니다. Amazon 크레딧으로 지불할 수 있습니다. 그것은 좋았지 만 그것은 살아있는 것이 아닙니다.

우리는 주문형 인쇄 플랫폼을 통해 자체 Collie Chatter 상품을 판매하려고 시도했지만 지금까지 우리 가게에서 무엇이든 구입한 유일한 사람은 우리가 여전히 강아지 얼굴이 있는 후드를 디자인할 때 지원하는 아버지뿐입니다. 나는 우리의 옷과 다른 제품들을 좋아하지만 그것들은 정확히는 사치품 범주에 속한다. 제 상품을 구입한 적은 없지만 비용이 들 수 있습니다. 어쩐지 지금까지 타이핑한 것 중 가장 슬픈 것 같습니다... *세계에서 가장 작은 바이올린을 연주하는 동안 Interlude*

추가된 기적

직장에서 바닥에 쓰러진 나를 발견한 동료 교사는 사회 보장 장애 보험(SSDI) 혜택을 신청할 것을 제안했습니다. 그러나 내가 자란 문화는 내 안에 그것을 완전히 공포로 몰아넣었습니다. 장애가 있는 모든 사람들은 맹인이나 휠체어에 묶여 있지 않는 한 분명히 그것을 속이고 있었습니다. 나는 가족과 친구들이 정부를 착유하는 게으른 놈으로 보는 것을 참을 수 없었습니다. 실패. 그러나 6개월 동안 자영업을 시도한 후 Cheyanne과 과거 동료들이 마침내 나에게 SSDI를 신청하라고 말했습니다. 신청서를 작성하면서 눈물을 흘렸습니다.

2017년 거절당했을 때 울었다가 항소 끝에 또 거절당했다. 그리고 2년 후 판사 앞에서의 심리가 있은 후 다시. 최종 거부 서류에는 "청문회에서 고통을 느끼지 않는 것 같았습니다."라고 나와 있습니다. 분명히 나는 ​​너무 금욕적이어서 몇 번 신음하거나 자리를 옮기면서 극적으로 움찔했거나 가끔 “우와”라고 말했어야 했습니다. (그게 히스테리적인 여성 평결로 이어지지 않았을까?) 그래도 심리 전에 나를 평가한 사회 보장국에서 임명한 심리학자는 내가 "무딘 효과"를 보였다고 썼습니다. 하지만 심사위원들이 모든 서류를 얼마나 철저하게 검토하는지 모르겠습니다.

더 이상 무엇을 해야 할지 몰라 2019년 SSDI를 다시 신청했습니다. 그러던 중 플로리다 주 잭슨빌에 저소득층과 가난한 사람들이 한 클리닉에서 임시 의료를 받을 수 있는 프로그램이 있다는 것을 알게 되었습니다. 저는 City Contract 환자의 자격을 얻었습니다. 이것은 제가 의사에게 돌아갈 수 있게 해주었습니다. 심지어는 전문의에게도! – 나에게 신체적으로 무엇이 잘못되었는지에 대한 답을 찾고 있습니다. 그것은 완전히 무료였습니다. 추가로 기적적으로 약을 무료로 받을 수 있었습니다. 믿을 수 없었습니다.

저는 공식적으로 잭슨빌 시에서 완전한 자선 케이스로 간주됩니다. 또한 저는 EBT(Electronic Benefits Transfer) 카드 또는 많은 사람들이 아직도 그것을 부르는 식품권을 가지고 있기 때문에 플로리다 주의 자선 단체에서 식사를 합니다. 다른 거의 모든 것에 대해 Cheyanne이 나를 지원하고 있습니다. 부모님은 저에게 가끔 돌봄 패키지를 보내시는데, 그곳에서 제가 대부분의 옷을 입습니다. Cheyanne은 집에서 건조기를 돌릴 수 있도록 전기 패널을 업데이트할 여력이 없기 때문에 어머니의 자선에 의존하여 Holly의 집에 빨래를 하러 갑니다. 우리는 가끔 세탁소에 갔지만 그녀는 우리가 해서는 안 된다고 주장합니다...

기본적으로 나는 이전에 내가 판단적으로 경멸했던 유형의 사람이 되었습니다. 사실 저는 여전히 최악의 날에 제 자신을 경멸합니다.

필요하지 않습니다

라운드 2:장애 혜택에 대해 다시 거부되었습니다. 그런 다음 2020 항소 후 다시. 대부분의 사람들은 SSDI에 대해 거부됩니다. ssa.gov에 따르면 거부율은 현재 최대 69%입니다. 나는 국가의 사회 보장 장애 보험 프로그램(누군가를 완전히 부양하기 위한 것이 아닌 빈곤 수준 소득에 해당)에 대한 승인을 받으려는 시도가 실제로 보험 회사에서 청구 금액을 지불하도록 하는 것과 같다는 것을 깨달았습니다. 그들은 당신에게 지불을 피하기 위해 작은 마우스 크기의 허점을 기어 다닐 것입니다! 하지만 그것은 예상할 수 있는 일입니다. 이들은 우리가 말하는 자선 단체가 아닙니다...

엄밀히 말하면 장애 소득을 받을 수 있는 충분한 근로 학점이 있습니다. 16세에 일을 시작하여 보통 27세가 될 때까지 동시에 2개의 직업을 가졌습니다. 그러나 장애는 가시성으로 판단되는 경우가 많으며 육안으로 보기에는 아무 것도 없습니다. 이제 34살이면 아직 어리고 지팡이와 보행기는 그저... 관심을 끌기 위한 소품이 될 수 있을까요?

가까운 가족이라도 “그 지팡이 필요 없어. 너도 늙어가고 있어, 에밀리." 나는 그녀가 나를 부끄러워했다고 확신합니다. 그녀의 말은 나를 괴롭게 할 정도로 나는 미시간의 한 겨울 동안 차에 지팡이를 놔두고 얼음이 많은 땅을 걸을 위험을 감수했습니다. 내가 방문했고 플로리다로 돌아가는 비행기를 위해 공항 휠체어 지원이 필요했습니다.

조용히 빠져나가면…

그래서 내 생각은 자살로 바뀌었고 나는 조용히 빠져나가는 것이 관련된 모든 사람들에게 더 나을 것이라고 거의 확신했습니다. 결국 내가 세상에 기여한 것은 무엇이었습니까? 개 이야기? 제발. 저는 특수교사로서 사람들을 직접적으로 돕지는 않았습니다. 나는 목적을 잃었다. 나는 성경에 나오는 다윗 왕이 고대 여부스 족속의 요새인 시온에서 그가 미워하는 장애인, 맹인과 다리 저는 사람을 죽이는 사람에게 어떻게 상을 주었는지 기억했습니다(삼하 5:6-9). KJV). 나는 스스로를 낭떠러지에서 던지거나 고립되어 더 이상 사회에 도움이 되지 않을 때까지 고립되는 것이 명예로운 일이라고 믿었던 고대 문화에 대해 곰곰이 생각해 보았습니다.

그리고 상황이 개선되지 않으면 "우리 개 자식"과 헤어져야 할 수도 있습니다. 나는 Cheyanne에게 애완 동물을 더 잘 돌볼 수 있을 만큼 충분한 돈이 있는 사람들과 함께 새 집으로 이사하는 것이 가장 좋을 것이라고 말했을 때 울었습니다. 아마도 아무도 우리의 십자형 눈, snaggle-toothed 고양이를 원하지 않을 것이지만, 우리의 아름다운 Collies를 열망하는 많은 사람들이 있을 것입니다.

Though for us, it would feel like the old days before food stamps when families were broken up and poor parents were encouraged to surrender their children to orphanages if they couldn’t properly feed them. Not that our dogs aren’t getting fed, but I wish we could afford more high-quality food. Gus needs joint supplements now that he’s 10 years old, plus he should be getting Cytopoint shots to prevent recurring hot spots, and there’s a growth by his eye that needs to be removed since it’s now large enough to impede his vision… Vakaa could also benefit from joint supplements as he starts to do mobility support tasks.

Cheyanne said it still wouldn’t be fair to them, because our dogs adore us and wouldn’t be as happy anywhere else as they are with us and each other. Our four are a tight-knit pack, and the six of us together are a smoothly-functioning unit. Even if someone actually wanted Bobcat, Chey pointed out how sad our dogs would be without him. At this point, he’s almost more our dogs’ pet than our pet. They’re obsessed with him.

At my lowest point of nearly abandoning life, a fellow Collie lover reached out with a recommendation for a professional trainer. Betsy even offered to help pay for sessions, though she couldn’t have known how dire my situation was. It’s not like I had a GoFundMe account. From an online perspective, I am pretty private, almost emotionally distant. Even if I know someone well, sharing personal problems and feelings is highly uncomfortable. Case in point:I streamed tears while typing the previous paragraphs, and there’s no one here but me. I am sorely tempted to trash this entire post, delete all my social media accounts, and return to being the online ghost I was for a few months…

Asking for or even accepting help when freely offered is not easy for me. So naturally, I thanked Betsy for the trainer recommendation and did nothing. I couldn’t imagine her offer of financial assistance was serious, nor could I admit how badly I needed it. But she reached out again, and I finally told her my training budget was exactly zero dollars. (Cheyanne and I had been running behind on the mortgage, electric, and medical bills, just for perspective.) But she said, “Don’t worry about that; I’m sure Erik will help you.” I’d be willing to shout Betsy’s name from the rooftops for connecting me with Erik.

The wonderful human being Betsy found to help us is Erik Kolbow, dog trainer extraordinaire. Erik had formerly been a Mine Detection Dog (MDD) handler in the Middle East, training dogs to find improvised explosive devices (IEDs). Eventually, Erik was injured in the field, received a medical discharge from the military following a traumatic brain injury (TBI), and went on to work as a service dog trainer with K9s for Warriors before starting his own dog training business. After successfully running his behavioral training company for a few years, Erik decided to do more idealistic work for much less money and founded P.A.W. Service Dogs.

Did We Ruin Him?

With his background, Erik had some fairly exacting standards. First, there was the initial consultation over the phone, wherein I informed him that I was autistic. Plus we had multiple dogs, and Cheyanne and I had been housing a teenage girl for a few months:so our small house was quite crowded. It seemed important to state all those things up-front, in case they would be dealbreakers. (Spoiler:they weren’t.) Imagine the irony when I realized part of Erik’s mission is to train service dogs for children with autism…

Once I was done with my attempted self-sabotage, Erik set up an in-home assessment. He was honest with us that the number of beings in our household was an initial concern, so he was assessing our little dog pack as well as Vakaa and us. Surprisingly, we passed.

Then there was a public access evaluation. I went along for that, Erik handled Vakaa, and I quietly observed. I wondered if the training Cheyanne and I had done would be enough. Had we properly prepared or totally ruined Vakaa? It was all up to him now.

When we left the store where Erik had conducted his evaluation, he got on his knees beside my big puppy, ruffled his fluff, hugged him, smiled up at me – and nodded. I grinned. (Or at least I think I did. Sometimes the emotions I feel don’t make it to my face. Again, the autism. There’s a real possibility my dogs display more facial expression than I do.)

That was how Erik told me he would train Vakaa. When you work and live with dogs, you tend to rely on nonverbal communication a lot…

Vakaa was seven months old at the time. Some of you who keep up with Collie Chatter on social media or follow the email newsletters may have wondered where I’ve been lately. I did sign a media release not to discuss/display the training process online until I got the go-ahead. But I’ve mostly either been sick (mentally unhealthy as well as physically ill, I’ll admit) or I’ve been busy with multi-weekly training sessions with Vakaa and Erik.

It’s embarrassing for me to talk about my health problems partly because I tend to think no one actually cares to hear about them. But I believe you all deserve more of an explanation, assuming you want additional information, that is. (Tell me if I’m oversharing, please.)

In this age of technology, it’s very easy to create a “Stepford Wives” online life that looks flawless. But as I’m no longer content to pretend… Maybe there is war in Ba Sing Se, and maybe it does us more good to talk about it than conceal it.

My old pastor once pointed out we are trained to talk about problems in the past tense after they’ve been overcome. “But,” he said, “I think we need to hear more from people in the midst of the struggle.” Then he opened up the mic to anyone who wanted to tell what they were going through. Listening to others’ struggles proved so helpful, these sharing sessions became a periodic event called “Evidence of Grace.” There is a simple strength found in shared difficulty, a comfort in knowing you’re not alone in your situation. “I’ve been there” is powerful, but “I am  there” hits different.

Anyway, in the spirit of continuing forthrightness, I’ve learned things about my health in the past year, some of which Vakaa is already helping me with… I’m still learning about these health issues and have more questions than answers, so please educate me if I get something wrong or you know something useful!

An Alien Changeling

A very distinguished male psychologist diagnosed me with moderate Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I’m probably mentioning autism overmuch, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, you see. Although in truth, I kind of knew on some level. You don’t work at special needs schools for years without realizing you’re relating to your autistic students perhaps a little too much.

Concerning proper social interactions with people, there continues to be much I cannot comprehend. I’ve often felt like an alien changeling planted on Earth, told to assimilate as human. I tried to fulfill my mission – I really did. Yet while flattering myself I came close, I have been reliably informed by multiple sources I never quite got it right. For example, a good friend from college had me saved in her phone contacts as “My odd-duck friend.”

Cheyanne has fun giving people various reasons to excuse my sightly-off behavior. “She’s from Michigan,” she’ll say. Or, “Emily was homeschooled.” Or my personal favorite, “Don’t mind her; she grew up in a cult.” Only two of those things are true, but people generally seem relieved to have some manner of explanation. However, I’ve learned to mask well enough that some people – even some family members – don’t believe me when I tell them about the autism. To them, I’m just weird like I’ve always been. No reason required.

Every conversation is full of potential pitfalls for me. It’s why I write. I can contemplate, backspace, and edit until I get the words right. There’s no time for that in dialogue.

Yet I can converse on topics not relating to me just fine, and I can talk dogs all day! As my fridge magnet says:“Introvert but willing to discuss dogs.” Give me an abstract question, and it’s like a gift. I was, after all, a teacher, and I love info dumping.

But in my head, there is often panic when someone, especially a person I don’t know well, asks me a direct question about myself. Then I become an instant idiot. Sometimes I tell strangers accidental lies.

For example:a nice person asks my favorite color. My mind goes blank as a shaken Etch-A-Sketch, and I no longer know the names of any  그림 물감. “Pink!” I finally blurt out. I spend the rest of the conversation berating myself, because I hate pink. My favorite colors have always been green and blue. But pink was the first color I recalled after being silent for a truly inappropriate length of time in response to a gently lobbed, underhand pitch of a question.

Funny thing is, I’m much more comfortable talking about the autism than discussing my actual physical problems. When I mention being autistic, people often laugh like I’m joking and get uncomfortable when they realize I’m not, or they get uncomfortable straight off the bat. Either way, it amuses me more than it probably should. (Is a warped sense of humor also an autistic trait?)

I may be socially awkward, but Vakaa is a consummate socialite. My dog doesn’t mind that I’m neurodivergent, and he helps set me and others at ease.

Like Loose Rubber Bands

Did you know there is such a thing as being too flexible? Apparently, dislocating one’s hips at will is not  a secret superpower. Since people could see  my hipbones moving in and out of place, it used to be a bit of a freakish teenage party trick. Being extra bendy, seems like I missed an opportunity to be a gymnast as a child…

When I played high school volleyball, I never had to “warm up” during pre-practice stretching. I’ve always been able to not only touch my toes, but place my entire palms flat on the floor before my toes – with no effort. Who knew those were signs of Hypermobility Disorder, possibly Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome?

When my rheumatologist realized I have hypermobility issues, she said that explained the constant joint pain, put in a referral for me to see a geneticist (that appointment is still pending for March), and sent me to physical therapy to learn how to exercise without straining my joints.

In August 2021, I was also evaluated by an occupational therapist. Based on my balance issues, weakness, and fall history, she recommended I get a Rollator walker. I thanked her, left, sat on a nearby bench with Vakaa at my feet, and cried.

*Sidebar* Apologies for the excessive crying mentions in this story. Once upon a time, I simply couldn’t cry in front of people; but my veneer has been cracking. Even so, most people never realize my eyes are leaking unless they look directly into my face. I’m somewhat of an expert in the field of blank-faced, subtle weeping. Tears are silent after all:it’s the accompanying facial contortions and boo-hooing which give one away. I learned this in church. If you’ve ever sat through a good old guilt-you-til-you-sob sermon, you’ll understand.

I had known I probably needed a wheeled walker, and I did want the independence such an aid could give me. Cheyanne had been my human crutch increasingly often when my knees stopped cooperating and I could no longer walk on my own. Yet it was still difficult to hear a medical professional suggest I needed more than the cane I’d used for years. It’s one thing to walk with a dog for occasional brace support on stairs or getting up and down. Dogs are cute. Walkers are not.

But Vakaa is learning to walk in place beside me when I have to use my Rollator, and having him with me helps ease the humiliation I feel for needing it at my age. It’s like people are staring at him because he’s adorable, not staring at me. Focusing on Vakaa also distracts me from the constant pain of having connective tissue that behaves like loose rubber bands.

One of Vakaa’s favorite things is to fetch items off the ground which I’ve dropped in my poor coordination and clumsiness. While that may sound trivial, it is such a relief not to have to bend down on days when I’m very sore, dizzy, unbalanced, and generally having a hard time getting around. Vakaa also loves bringing me my cane from where it leans in a corner by the door. (To make this easier, we use gear ties.) We’ve worked on “tug” a bit with a rope tied to handles, and he may also learn to drag my walker to me in the future. He’s also pretty good at gnawing caps off of water bottles when my hands/arms hurt too much to open them.

Why Am I Having Convulsions?

For years, I had been told I was having anxiety or panic attacks, which I would have believed if the tremors/spasms I experienced were accompanied by feelings of anxiety or panic. Mostly they were accompanied by feelings of irritation and frustration. When I told one doctor that, he said, “But what are you thinking when these episodes happen?”

Though I’m not always great at social cues, a gaslight alarm went off in my head. “I’m usually thinking, Well darn, it’s happening again ,” I said.

After one particularly rough night, I finally googled, “What does it mean if I’m having convulsions?” I’d never thought to search that specific word before. For the first time I realized what I’d been unsuccessfully trying to describe to doctors for over 10 years might well be seizures.

So the next time I saw a neurologist, I no longer stuck to a vague description of symptoms. It hadn’t been enough before to tell multiple specialists, “I have violent tremors… Sometimes my muscles tense so much I can hear things popping in my back and can’t unclench my hands… It usually happens at night… I shake so hard it shakes the bed.”

This time I simply said, “I think I’m having seizures.”

That neurologist  – I’ve had several at the training clinic for resident doctors – asked, “What makes you think you’re having ‘seizures ‘?” He put “seizures” in literal air quotes and laced his voice with enough professional scorn to let me know how ridiculous I was being.

I was shook. But I was also determined. Though I certainly didn’t want  to divulge my issues to a total stranger, I kept insisting there was more wrong than anxiety, winding up on the verge of frustration tears from feeling so belittled and inarticulate. (Hello, Autism? Is that you again?) I think more to shut me up and get me out of his exam room than anything, the neurologist said he would order an EEG (electroencephalogram) to look for seizure activity.

In September, I was checked into the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit at a local hospital. I almost backed out, since they wanted to keep me under observation for a week, during which time I wouldn’t be able to bathe and would have to relieve myself using a bedside commode. With an IV in place plus EKG and EEG electrodes/ wires connected to my head and chest, I would be bound to the bed. I was convinced it would be a great deal of discomfort to no avail, but Erik, Cheyanne, and Holly all talked me into going. Erik also planned to bring Vakaa to visit me.

On my first day of being admitted to the EMU, a strobe light test revealed focal (partial seizures). Later, I lost consciousness and the EEG scan of my brain waves during that time captured a frontal lobe seizure. I was immediately medicated and have been on medicines to control seizures since. Legally I can no longer drive unless I experience six months seizure-free. I’ve been mourning the loss of more independence, but I have no desire to cause anyone, myself included, accidental injury from crashing a car during a seizure.

Working out the Kinks

Fortunately, the medications are working somewhat, as my seizure frequency and severity have lessened. I’ve had more strength and endurance, needing my cane and Rollator less as long as I stick to short distances and don’t remain on my feet for long. In the future, I’m hopeful I can regain much of my independence and mobility with nothing but Vakaa at my side most of the time.

Unfortunately, I’m like many Collies in that my body does not easily tolerate medications. All too often, if there are possible side effects, it seems I will experience some. I’ve had extended, unpleasant GI tract upset, worsened dizziness such that I felt constantly seasick, drowsiness that left me randomly falling asleep during the day, and most recently, amplified depression and an aggressively itchy hives outbreak – all in reaction to seizure medicines. We’ve joked that the seizures might have been preferable.

Kidding aside, I am mucho grateful for the marvels of modern medicine. While my seizure disorder (epilepsy?) isn’t nearly as bad as what many people experience, one neurologist told me every time I have a seizure my brain is essentially frying its own circuits. I reassured her I would not go off my medication. I think it’s simply a matter of working out the kinks and finding a drug that my body will tolerate. (I’m about to start another medication, so here’s hoping third time’s the charm!)

Erik and I have discussed cross-training Vakaa as a seizure alert dog, but if the medicine works as it should for me it may not be necessary.

My Body Is A Donkey

Sometimes I think my body is like a stubborn donkey:when I want to go, it says no. I am prepared to catalogue a few ways my mortal flesh gives me fits; but in return I request that some of you relate and commiserate in the comments section below so I don’t feel like a pathetic whiner. I can’t be the only one who is eager for a release from mortality and an upgrade to a pure spirit state…

Anyway, migraines. Ugh . We hate them, right? Who else has spent time huddled miserably in a dark room during the day, sensitive to light as well as sounds and seriously considering adding a guillotine to your Amazon wishlist?? I’m joking. About decapitating myself via guillotine anyway, not about being extremely light-sensitive. Staring at a screen for extended periods of time is just asking for a headache. I watch very little TV now because of this. The larger and brighter the screen, the worse the reaction.

I’m finding workarounds to increase my screen time, but I’d be truly interested in any recommendations you all have. Cheyanne got me yellow-lens glasses that block blue light. I wear them over my regular glasses and look absolutely dumb, but they help. She downloaded a blue light filter on my laptop too, and I keep screen brightness as low as possible. In preparation for writing this post, I spent about an hour trying out downloadable dark mode extensions until I found one to darken my entire computer screen. It’s glorious.

I have sunglasses which fit over my regular glasses when I go outside, but I still can’t spend much time in direct sunlight without getting a headache. Cheyanne calls me a vampire. The clip-on shades also protect me if I’m around flashing lights, so they don’t trigger a seizure. And, I am developing more of a hat collection. Hats are excellent sunblock tools, and I’ve always liked them. Writers are expected to be eclectic, yes? We can wear hats even if we never lived through the 1940s, I think.

This last year I learned I have some fairly common and therefore hopefully #relatable issues:bone spurs and degenerative disc disease – or Triple D as I like to call it – in my neck. It isn’t too terrible since currently my discs are just bulging, not burst (herniated). However, it probably contributes to the migraines, and my neck is almost always causing me pain. That could also be connected to the hypermobility issues, since my head gets “heavy” and hard for my neck to hold up. Cheyanne teases that I am “a giant baby” with a wobbly neck… She’s not wrong. Again, I’m learning ways to deal with it, and I already know some things I should change.

Sadly, I probably need to enter a new relationship with a desk chair that didn’t come off the side of the road, though I’m attached to my vintage wooden one. It still swivels, which is fun; but the bottom mechanism is rusted so that it no longer raises or lowers. Sitting at a lower height than my desk makes my arms go numb as I type. (I was recently told that might mean carpal tunnel.) But sometimes it’s just so hard to let go of old relationships even when they’re toxic, you know?

My ideal chair will also be tall enough to offer neck/head support. Yet the headrest can’t be positioned too far forward or my neck soreness will increase… I have this same ridiculous problem when riding in cars. Anyway, I am in pursuit of the perfect chair and open to suggestions for ergonomic, budget-friendly office or gaming chairs. Matchmakers of the Internet, make me a match!

Where are my tendonitis (or maybe carpal tunnel depending which medical professional I talk to) people at? How about ganglion cysts? I have them in both wrists and my forearm tendons get inflamed, which sometimes painfully complicates typing. Repetitive motion exacerbates this, so the treatment is basically prescription painkillers and Voltaren gel, a couple stretches I learned at physical therapy, and “stop doing what hurts until it stops hurting.” I’ve tried writing by hand, but that hurts worse.

And of course, I’ve been told I have fibromyalgia, and most likely the ME/CFS (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) that often goes with it. Women of the world (and the occasional rarely affected man), let us unite around the general confusion and derision surrounding fibromyalgia and demand effing answers!! ….as soon as we all find the car keys we lost somewhere in the fibro fog. I’ll need one of you to drive me to the meeting though, on account of being banned from driving for a while. Stupid seizures.

Kind of Bad At What I Do

I’ve already mentioned how I am a neurodivergent headcase, but I suppose I should say for the record that my depression is officially diagnosed. It would be considered situational rather than chronic, I think, since my mental health is directly related to my physical health – or a medicine my body hates. If I have a bad day physically, I’m sad and frustrated. Nearly everyone can relate to “the big sad” at least occasionally. What is grief but a period of depression, and who in life will never have call to grieve?

I’d be interested to know how others cope with their sadness. For me, it’s reading. I immerse myself in lives (real or imagined) not my own, and that is my escape from pain and my own brain. If I hadn’t had books these past few months, the majority of my time would likely have been spent curled in the fetal position weeping.

I often have difficulty concentrating and comprehending now, so I’ve consumed more fiction than nonfiction lately. Some days I read old vintage Collie books, other days I only listen to audiobooks, and often I return to the strange nostalgia of the Bible (1611 edition), which due to my upbringing I began reading and memorizing as soon as I could 읽다. Shakespearean-era English isn’t the typical idea of a good time; but ancient Middle Eastern/Western, Jewish and Christian Scriptures are practically light reading when you were quoting KJV Bible verses as a toddler instead of nursery rhymes. There is a comfort in adhering to childhood patterns.

My psychiatrist also said I probably have “a touch of OCD.” This comes out in perfectionism when I write, in the way I must find the ideal word. The number of draft revisions I log before I am finally ready to go live with a blog post is perhaps excessive… Although that’s somewhat blameable on having to write in short spurts.

For a multitude of reasons, I am a very slow writer. Writing did seem the only logical way forward after my health declined and I could no longer teach, and yet… I’m kind of bad at what I do. Realistically, if I ever want this hobby blog of mine to become profitable, I would need the ability to rapidly pump out content. (Info is generally worth more than stories, I now realize.) For now, my primary focus should be getting better. The better I feel, the more I can do.

What Comes Next

I’m sorry, but my Collie Chatter output may be even more sporadic in the future. The day after Christmas, I learned I was denied again for SSDI benefits following my hearing. I have through February to file a request for reconsideration with the Appeals Council, but per the Social Security Administration’s own website, statistically there is only a 10% chance of approval at this final stage. This is the last hurrah.

If I’m denied again, I will lose my EBT (food stamps) and my health insurance – including free meds – since those programs are contingent upon my applying or being approved for disability. Once I lose EBT, I will lose discounted Amazon and Internet. I’m not sure how I’ll pay for the medications I take for seizures, sinus tachycardia, pain, Vitamin D deficiency, and high cholesterol. (Weirdly enough, it runs in the family. Even my skinny dad and older brother take cholesterol medication.)

Though I couldn’t be gainfully employed while applying for disability benefits – if you get a paying job you automatically disqualify yourself, even if you subsequently lose said job – I can look for a job (and hope I can somehow keep it this time) if I get approved or more likely denied. That may look like I mistyped, but the fact is getting a side hustle or part-time work and making a certain amount of money once approved for SSDI is allowed. You just can’t be employed while applying for it.

Anyway, I’ll likely attempt to land and hold an online job while continuing to train with Vakaa. I’m afraid that won’t leave me much leftover screen-time tolerance, low-pain moments, and energy for Collie Chatter. If I do find time to write it will be devoted to informational articles, but I will continue to take story submissions and guest posts. (Feel free to pitch me your Collie story or other blog post idea!)

For now, I can only apologize for being mostly absent and ask that my readers remain patient with me. It’s no exaggeration to say I truly lost the will to live for a while, and I’m still fighting my way back to belief that my life has meaning. If not for Cheyanne, Vakaa, and Erik showing up when they did, there is an excellent chance I would not be alive right now. Their intervention saved me, and I view their arrivals as very timely answers to prayer.

Then there are all the family and friends who have refused to give up on me. More people love and care for me than I feel I deserve, and they help ground me in this life. If I ever finish a book, I’ll have an entire acknowledgment section to devote to them, but as this is a dog blog… I must mention the daily, steady love from Sir Gustav, Freckles, and Yoshi. I’m even grateful for the sporadic affection of Bobcat, our resident feline who purrs in my lap and gifts me with regular adornments of grizzled hairs.

But Vakaa is obsessed with me. He has all the best qualities of his sire, amplified by an attentive, velcro-dog personality. He watches me so much it should be creepy and is so ever-present it should be stifling. I look at him, and he positively beams  at me until I can’t help but smile back. He is always eager to wear his “In Training” P.A.W. Service Dogs vest, because he has no idea he is a company representative going to work. It’s no drudgery for him, just joy that he gets to go places and be with me and his other favorite humans, Cheyanne and Erik.

Vakaa celebrated his first birthday in December 2021. If all goes according to plan, he will be a full-fledged mobility service dog by this time next year, very possibly sooner. Yet I have to keep in mind that an estimated 50%-70% of service dog hopefuls “wash out,” being found unsuitable for various reasons. If by some stroke of misfortune Vakaa doesn’t make the cut, he can still continue to assist me as an at-home service dog as his father Gustav has done. But I am cautiously hopeful Vakaa will pass the public access test in future, as well as Erik’s high standards for a P.A.W. Service Dog.

Collie Tendencies

One of the largest hurdles with Vakaa has been overcoming the Collie tendency to be vocal. As the trainer of Rough Collie guide dog Amelia said, “Collies have a lot to say!” Vakaa is inclined to offer an opinion on everything, in the form of yaps, whines, grumbles, teeth chomps, and huffs. Ideally, a service dog will be seen and not heard. Per the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act), a handler with an out-of-control dog can be asked to leave an establishment’s premises. If you see a disruptive dog yapping, growling, peeing in public, or generally causing a scene, that’s probably not a service dog, but an ESA (Emotional Support Animal) someone is trying to pass off as a service dog.

Recently, Cheyanne took Vakaa grocery shopping with her. He was in gear and rocking his public access outing, then a little Chihuahua mix rounded a corner, saw Vakaa, and lost his tiny mind. There was banshee-level shrieking, lunging, growling, pulling, and even laughing  on the part of Tiny’s people, who thought their dog was being oh-so adorable. Vakaa didn’t respond in kind, but he was definitely distracted and didn’t take his eyes off the little menace. Cheyanne had to turn around and leave the aisle, because the people kept approaching.

Vakaa was off-kilter after, but got back on task soon enough. Then the people came and stood behind Cheyanne and Vakaa as they waited in the checkout line, and the same damn process repeated itself. Vakaa whirled around to make sure Tiny couldn’t sink his teeth into his tail, and can you blame him? Cheyanne fantasized about punting Tiny like a football… She didn’t speak up though, saying the people seemed the type to get offended and do absolutely nothing to improve the situation. Anyway, if you see someone like that in public, you have my express permission to say something. Will it do any good? 아마 아닐 것입니다. But think of the satisfaction! *End rant*

*Ahem * Anyway… While Collies are sometimes grouped in the “Fab Four” breeds for service dog work, I personally would not recommend them for most handlers – particularly not a first-time handler or someone who has never owned/worked with a herding breed. Von Eling Training sums it up very nicely here:

Keeping Up with the Coll-dashians

(Terrible pun, I know. Blame Erik:he started it.) Per their media release, some photos and videos remain the property of P.A.W. Service Dogs, so I suggest following P.A.W.’s website and social platforms if you want to see all  the Vakaa training updates and progress as well as other amazing service dogs in training. In addition to Vakaa the Rough Collie, Erik is currently training two Standard Poodles, a Labrador Retriever, and a Golden Retriever (for therapy work). He didn’t intend it that way, but that’s the Fab Four lineup right there!

Plus, P.A.W. is also training other future therapy dogs for community outreach, including retired champion show dog Cash the Rough Collie, or Cash the CollieMan as he’s known on Twitter.

Erik used some of his own funds when he made the decision to transition from Five Star Dog Training, his profitable, personal business, to operating P.A.W. Service Dogs. Not that he thought he’d become wealthy through a service dog startup, but because he wanted to make even more of a difference than before. This big, gentle, softspoken man just wants to give back to the world.

One day Erik arrived at my house about 20 minutes early and shocked me by mowing my front lawn – which resembled a meadow thanks to Florida’s rainy season. I didn’t ask him to do that. He simply knew I was physically struggling and Cheyanne was working overtime to support us, and probably suspected we don’t have money to hire a lawn care service.

My point is, that’s the kind of guy Erik is:so if you’re looking for a good cause to support, P.A.W. Service Dogs is a worthy one that could use some financial love as it continues to get off the ground. The more money coming in, the more staff P.A.W. can hire, the more dogs will be trained, and the more people will be helped. You can also contribute by sharing this story or Erik’s story to get the word out.

Like what you read? Please support Collie Chatter by leaving me a tip on vocal.media (donations as low as $1 are accepted) or purchasing one of our recommended dog products from Amazon so we can buy more dog supplies ourselves. I can’t bring myself to create a Go Fund Me account, but I don’t feel bad asking people to go fund my dogs!